Hong Kong, Winter 2005

Mum had brought my brother and me to Wong Tai Sin Temple 黃大仙祠. We had been going through a spate of bad fortune, and Mum wanted us to see a spirit medium. She wanted to know if we had inherited bad 因果 (jan¹gwo²; karma) from our previous lives that was impacting us.

Wong Tai Sin 黃大仙 was a healer way back in history. He was elevated to the position of a Taoist Deity in recognition of his miracles. He was known as the Great Deity 大仙. We have an altar dedicated to the Great Deity back in Te Awakairangi.

There were hundreds of booths lined up outside the Temple. It was a popular site in Hong Kong as the Great Deity was best known for 「有求必應」 (ask and it is given). Over centuries, Taoist practitioners developed methods to communicate with our Deities such as 求籤 (kau⁴chim¹; divination sticks) or 珓杯 (gaau³bui¹; moon blocks).

We found the correct booth and we sat down in front of an unassuming older woman. The older woman was a renowned ornithomancer. One by one, the spirit medium invited Mum, my brother, and I to have our past, present, and future examined. Our fates were mediated through a little yellow bird and sheets of paper that were meant to come from the Great Deity himself.

After two hours of intense examination, we were each given a cassette tape detailing our fortunes. This was our 三世書 (saam¹sai³syu¹; three generation book). We were told to keep these hidden as it could lead to unnecessary complications if they fell into the wrong hands.

“Change is a natural part of life, and it will come when it comes,” the spirit medium told us.

She could tell that Mum was anxious after hearing about all the debts we had inherited from our previous lives.

“Think of your life as different bodies of water, we must learn to adapt to our environment.”

“There are times when you must be sudden and aggressive like a wave. Through sheer force alone, even a mighty cliff will crumble to sand.”

“There are also times when you must be slow and passive like the water in a well. It may take a long time, but eventually, even a stagnant pool will erode stone walls.”

“But change does not need to be aggressive or passive like water in a wave or a well. Neither state is sustainable for change.”

“The nature of change can be constant like the water in a stream. Over time, life will carve out its own course in the landscape.”

“This is the same for people. We cannot be too aggressive or passive,” the spirit medium told us. “We must be constant and react to the environment around us. We can only influence change once we learn how to cultivate Tao within ourselves.”

***

In the short time I have been on this earth, I have come to realise that life was never about the destination, but the journey. Whether individuals within our Queer Asian communities opt to come out, let in, create a narrative of convenience, or another framework we have yet to define, change is an inevitable part of our identity. Asians have been and will always be woven into the fabric of Aotearoa, but our narratives are often made invisible in a society dominated by whiteness. This is why I encourage all Queer Asians to share their experiences. This is the only way we can highlight the richness of our identity. I hope that reading about my experience will empower Queer Asians across Aotearoa to realise their full potential. Our Queer identities are fluid, inclusive, undefined, and ever-​evolving. I have not included a conclusion because we are not yet at the end. Mum would often say「船到橋頭自然直」 (Circumstances change for the better in the face of adversity). I know this to be true. Now I have shared my most intimate thoughts, I am going to take one more step out of the closet as I continue on this journey called life.