A dear (straight cis) friend is visiting me at my bachelor apartment

at the corner of 1st and Balsam in Kitsilano and

she asks about what my master’s thesis is about.

I tell her about my research

and how I have been theorizing

how we can construct lineages through other means rather than simply

through bloodlines and families of origin and heterosexual relationships but

that we can create lineages and kinship lines through artistic practices

like songwriting and singing and performance in public spaces and

that songs come from bodies and merge with other bodies, joining us in music.

I talked about what it was like growing up in the absence of

queer family role models and elders—any role models or elders, actually—

who could teach me, show me, reassure me, empower me

with the knowledge that there is

a different way of living,

a different way of loving.

Then,

after all these years

of being out,

after all these years of

thinking about it and reading about it and talking about it

and singing about it and writing about it and living it

I whisper the word “lesbian.”

I whisper the word, “lesbian”

so her daughter wouldn’t hear it

so my dear (straight cis) friend wouldn’t feel uncomfortable, awkward, worried

in case her daughter asks what it means

and my dear (straight cis) friend has to explain what it means

to be lesbian, a woman who loves another woman, who makes a life with a woman.

I whisper the word, “lesbian”

so I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable, awkward, worried

about saying it too loudly, too boldly

for fear of being accused of broadcasting my sexuality and flaunting my sexual desire

(because you know, straight people never flaunt theirs in public)

for being too feminist

for being a man-hater.

After all these years, what is this shame, this internalized homophobia

that lives quietly inside me and uncoils stealthily

rising up from the depths of my body

and into my thoughts at unexpected moments

poisoning my heart, my mind, and my relationships with its venom?

Why must I try to protect

my dear (straight cis) friend and

her daughter and

myself from

my truth

this truth

this beauty

this joy

this pride

my power?

That day, I whispered the word “lesbian.”

Now, I am going to shout it out loud:

I AM A LESBIAN!

I AM A LESBIAN!

I AM A LESBIAN.