Content warning: This story contains details of violence.

It’s not like I’m trying to protect you or anything

if I could remember your name

I would write it in BIG CAPITAL LETTERS ALL OVER THIS PAGE

a million times

for everyone to see.

then, I would flick a lighter, hold it to the page and

burn it

then, I would look you up

come and find you

sometime in the dead

of winter

in Banff

I’d track you down when you’re shopping for your groceries at the local Safeway

I’d find you in the meat section

flirt with you shamelessly

surrounded by hunks of

freshly cut red flesh

not red like

the colour

of paper hallmark card valentines

in the stores

in early February but

dark red

the colour of

my pumping heart and the

boiling rivers in my veins

the colour of

my seething rage

I’d flirt with you some more

then ask you

out for dinner

go somewhere romantic

be really nice

sweet

smiling

tilt my head to the side

listening

nodding

asking you questions about your life

like I’m

interested

in you

as a person

and when dinner is over

entice you with coy looks

from under my lashes

pouty lips smiling

I’d lure you into my pick-up truck (the one with the bumper stickers that reads: real women drive trucks, my other car is a broom, well-behaved women rarely make history)

let’s go parking, I’d say

drive to the Bow River somewhere outside the city limits

somewhere where it’s dark

park the truck in a secluded spot

move towards you

pretend to be all hot and bothered

breathing heavy

get all kinky and shit

take off my underwear and

stuff it between your teeth

tie a bandana around your mouth

tie up your hands

behind your back

really tight

that’s a bit too tight you smirk through the cloth

thinking that you’re gonna get laid

shutthefuckup, I’d say

and tie it tighter

pull out a gun

point it at your face

your eyes bulging wide-open, whites showing

who’ssmirkingnowmotherfucker?

remembermenowmotherfucker?

get the fuck out of my truck, I’d say

start walking, I’d say

I’d follow you, gun at your head

push you to the edge of the frigid current

of the Bow River

your muted begging through

the bandana and my underwear in your mouth

satisfying me

I’d tell you again

startwalkingmotherfucker

into the swirling ice blue water

up to your knees

up to your thighs

up to your

pieceofshitdick

shrinking

in the icy currrent

crying

fucking

freezing

endless

fucking

howmanymoreweretherebesidesmemotherfucker?

I’d consider squeezing

my forefinger and thumb together

I’d consider

what would be better

you dying here in these glacial waters,

your corpse carried away by the current

washing up on the shore down near Calgary

your body a buffet for coyotes

your eyes pecked out by ravens

or

you living and

dragging yourself out of the roiling waters

walking down the highway back to town after dark

trying to explain

to someone who drives by and picks you up why

your jeans are wet, stiff and frozen

your hands are tied behind your back

your mouth is gagged with some woman’s underwear

then waking up in the middle of the night

sweatsoaked

nightmares of all the angry women you raped over the years

nightmares of staring down the barrel of a gun

trying to forget

Can’t forget

won’t forget

I won’t forget

so

I’d let you live

live with it

live with this

I’d leave you there

in the frigid pitch black Banff winter and

walk

slowly

back

to

my truck (oh yeah, the other bumpersticker says: coexist)

get in

and

drive

the

fuck

away.